Technical Support
Unwritten rules from that highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff of a computer support department near you...
1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 3. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
5. DO NOT (in addition to 4) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.
6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some.
9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as if your computer suddenly was inspired to break for no reason. Simply admit what you did to cause this, so we can help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your pride will only make it worse, because we will find out what you did anyway, and then we will REALLY be annoyed at you for wasting our time.
10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple aspects of using a computer. If you can't figure out the difference between a right-click and a double-click, then you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If you insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you can pay us $35 an hour to teach you, because we won't do it for free.
A few "Tech" Terms to get your year started off right!
"486"
The typical IQ needed to understand any PC.
"State of the Art"Any computer you can't really afford and your wife does not want you to buy. (NOTE: See Nanosecond, Obsolete, Syntax Error and GHZ)
"Obsolete"The term describing any computer you have purchased. [NOTE: See Nanosecond]
"Nanosecond"The time it takes for your "State of the Art" computer to become obsolete.
"G4"Apple's new line of Macintosh Computers that make you say "Gee, that's four times faster than the Macintosh computer I bought for over twice that price a mere Nanosecond ago." (NOTE: See Obsolete)
"Syntax Error"Walking into any computer store and saying "Hello, I would like to buy the fastest computer you have, and money is NO object!"
"Hard Drive"The oft used sales tactic by commission based computer salesmen, commonly seen immediately after someone has made a "Syntax Error."
"GHZ - pronounced GIGA-Hurts"The new physical / mental condition that occurs the "Nanosecond" after you have bought the "State of the Art" computer. (Which of course happened after making the afore mentioned "Syntax Error" and then listening to the salesmen's "Hard Drive.")
Peter (TheSpider)
